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I'm so tightly wound now that I feel like I'll lose it if anyone even touches me. I took the kids to the History Center for the Little Locavores event and it was cool and kind of fun. Or it would have been if my kids didn't spend the whole time fighting, whining, screaming, and kicking things. I think I spent a fair portion of my time there quietly crying and wishing I had more than one tissue. livsmama and family were there and it was really nice to see them, but I couldn't even talk because I would have just burst into tears. Nobody wants to deal with that. I ran into another friend on the way out and couldn't even conceal my tears anymore. Embarrassing.

I have had no regular breaks from the kids since school let out, which means I haven't been to yoga or on any bike rides. I can't sleep, my sex life has been pretty unsatisfying, and I just don't feel like I'm connecting with *anyone* lately. Friends, husband, family - nobody. Obviously, all of the regular methods of stress relief are failing me right now.

I don't know if the stress is making my shoulder worse or if the pain from my shoulder is just amplifying everything. Either way, it's just awful and I can't deal with it anymore. Drinking at 4 in the afternoon doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now, except all it'll do is make me feel worse later. I guess I'll schedule another massage and see if we can do anything this time. Last time didn't help at all, sadly, though it *was* nice to be with one of my favorite people for that hour.

The one bright spot in the day is that I'm going out with a friend this evening, after Chris gets home. He's off doing a pub crawl on bike, which sounds like a lot of fun. I've asked him to come home before the end of the party, which I don't like to do but I *need* a break. Plus, the trivia at Merlin's Rest starts at 7:30. I don't think it's too much to ask but I still feel guilty for setting a deadline for his outing. I need to get over these feelings of guilt, I know, but it's so deeply ingrained that I'm having a hard time of it.

I guess I feel a little better now, but since I can still hear the kids yelling and fighting outside it'll all come back shortly. Yay.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
livsmama
Jul. 19th, 2010 12:03 am (UTC)
I am sorry you were having a hard time at the museum. I didn't realize but I totally know how it is.

I hope you have fun tonight. I've heard the trivia there is really hard!

Asking for what you need really has to be done. No one can give you what you need if you don't ask for. (I think i just found my new affirmation I was supposed to bring to therapy this week. Sorry. aam)
jessikate
Jul. 19th, 2010 10:00 am (UTC)
The trivia was challenging, but it was a good thing - nice to feel those gears turning again. I think I blew off enough steam to be able to function well-ish for a few days.

I do make a practice of asking for what I need, but sometimes I can't figure out what I need or who to ask. I can't in good conscience ask people to take both of my kids - they get along like gasoline and matches, to quote my father-in-law.
katttg
Jul. 19th, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
I am here if you ever, ever need child care. I will watch your kiddos for free. Jack is here during the day, and I am here at in the evening/night. Either one of us will watch your kids. I know we have never hung out a lot, but if you need it, please don't ever hesitate to call -- 612.203.5685. My work number is 651.603.2036.

Leave a message if I don't answer, I don't always answer if I don't recognise the number.
jessikate
Jul. 19th, 2010 10:01 am (UTC)
THank you for the offer - I will seriously consider it. I just hate to ask people to take my kids because they are WILD. My father-in-law says they get along like gasoline and matches. He's right.
katttg
Jul. 19th, 2010 10:18 pm (UTC)
It's fine. No matter how wild they are. Zoe is really intense herself and we have a big house and yard. I would love to take them. Really!!! Please don't hesitate to call any time. Day or night. I know what it's like to need a break so badly that you almost do something youvwould really regret. I've been there more times than I care to count
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )